Friday, April 08, 2005

Losing it.

"You are just so strong"
"I couldn't hold it together like you do"
"I don't see how you do it"

These are comments I often hear from my friends, mostly in regards to things we are dealing with in relation to Braden. Well I don't think any of them will be saying those things anymore.

Yesterday was a tough day. I told Matt it wasn't that there was any more stress than usual but I just lost it. I cried all day, you couldn't speak to me without reducing me to tears several people got to witness my undoing. One doctor got to watch me almost hyperventilate. It was just all the worry seemed to work its way in to yesterday. The worry about Braden's current health, his future, the financial aspects all of it.

I worked on PTA yearbook at a friends house last night with 5 other moms and ended up leaving in heaving sobs when they started asking about what was wrong after getting a round of hugs that only made me sob worse. No doubt to them I am human now and not supermom like they thought who kept it all under control.

But in actuality I feel much better this morning, I woke up at 4:30 and thought I would go ahead and get up and I do feel better. I feel somewhat released like I needed those sobs to get out I needed not to hold it together for awhile. I feel like I can handle the challenges again and it is nice to know that my friends know that even though I say I can handle it that sometimes I need to not handle it.

So losing it was a good thing afterall.